Three things have happened recently to bring me around to this topic. First I celebrated my 32nd wedding anniversary! Second, we have watched several TV shows that show people quitting on their marriage to "find themselves" and they co- parent and it goes wonderfully. Third, I had a discussion with 2 students at the clinic about how one can stay married for 32 years.
First, Lao Tzu didn't have much to say on marriage. There is this quote:
But while clever it didn't sound like Lao Tzu. "Sin" is a very Christian idea and not like Lao at all. A little digging and I found a site by Stefan Stenudd who states this quote is from a 1906 play, The New York Idea. Still there is something to be said for this quote.
The most important thing you can do is choose the right person! If you are in it for the long haul fun, sex, glamor actually only goes so far. You will be with this person every single day for the rest of your life and no other. Some people get married before they know
the person and the marriage is doomed. I dated my wife for 2 years before I got married. We went on Engaged encounter and talked about faith, kids, money; all of it. Even with that, two years after our wedding we looked at each other like we didn't know who we had married. Make sure we really, really know the person. I had a conversation with a
wise friend and she said marriage is about growth. Many people today,
particularly those pursuing higher education, aren't near their terminal
velocity of growth until their later 20's. If you marry someone who is
growing at a far different rate than you are than the marriage is
doomed. Sometimes there is true abuse and the marriage is unhealthy. I
would like to tell you I thought all these things through before I got
married but I didn't. These are just observations watching friends,
peers and airmen[ remember as a military
commander, if it is messy then it is your business.] over the last 30 years. Marriage is going to take work. You need a partner who is going to work and grow with you. This is the most important decision you will ever make! Take your time.
The most practical thing I learned is that when my wife came to me with problems she didn't want me to solve them. Now I have spent my whole life solving problems. Either patients would come with them, or someone in the organization would have them. So, silly me, when my wife had a problem I would slip into work mode and work out a solution and give it to her. It would not go well. It took me 10 years to figure out that what she wanted was for me to listen to her empathically. She could solve them for herself, she just needed to talk it through.
When I first got married I thought it was all about "us". I thought of what we could do together. And if I am to be honest, there was a little bit of "me" in that "us". I had not really moved from me centeredness. I was sharing myself with another but hadn't moved fully to caring about that person more than myself. I suspect this is where most people begin their marriages. This is where the quote above comes in. When you are still mostly me centered love and desire can get you past many things but you will need to learn forgiveness for the "sacrifices" you will have to make the marriage happen. Even then it is very, very tough for two people to stay together. Look at the divorce rates in western society. I think this is why many marriages fail. People keep a scoreboard in their head and one person feels they are making all the sacrifices. At that point they leave to find themselves. Now if you both have a strong faith God will grant you grace to work on being centered on the other person. [ This clearly only works if both people are working at it together.]
What I learned is that marriage is actually all about the other person. I am embarrassed to say but at about year 24 I really understood that it was all about my wife. I finally would wake up and consistently think how I could make her day special or at least make it a little easier. I knew she loved me so if I heard a cross word I just chalked it up to a bad day. There was no scoreboard because it was about her. And the most remarkable thing occurred. She was doing the same thing! [ She, being my wife, had started years earlier of course!] It is amazing to live with someone who thinks about your needs all the time while you think about hers. My parents had this and now I have found it. Now not everything is perfect, we still have our moments but they are few and short lived.
We are in a blessed place but it wouldn't have happened if we had not gutted out the hard times when we both wanted to quit. There were several times when we both wanted to quit but we took our vows and our faith seriously. We have been tested and are in a great place.
I would like to end with a quote that I believe is from Lao Tzu and certainly speaks to marriage:
Pax
Joe
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