The importance of being right

 Got into a discussion last week about abortion.  Now you might guess I have definite opinions on it as does everyone in America.  What pleased me were two things; first I said very little. [ Hard for me to do!] Second, everyone was still talking at the end of it. 

So I started thinking about how my views of discussions have changed over the decades.  In my teens-30s I had to be right.  I thought I was standing up for my ideals and principles but in retrospect it often morphed to fighting for ultimately being right.  If I was proven wrong somehow I wasn't smart, clever or good enough.  I personalized it and it became about me not about whatever we were discussing.  If I realized my position was tenuous or very weak, I would look for tangential arguments or use logic to confuse my opponents; very sad really.  I think this is where our politics are today; no trust, no looking for the truth. 

In my 40s early 50s I was at the top of my profession, with wide responsibility and living in a fishbowl.  My confidence in my position had grown and I no longer had to make sure everyone knew I was right. [ Surgeons are taught that if you are right about something it is your duty to make sure everyone knows!]  I still argued for my ideals and principles vehemently but I was willing to hear the other side and compromise or even accept that on occasion I might not be right.   

In my mid 50s I retired and took a job as a civilian CMO.  I started reading Merton, Tzu, Loyola and James Martin because I finally had time.    I came across this...

   It has taken me several years to figure it out.  If you are confident in your position you really don't have to say much.  Your position speaks for itself.  You can mention one or two points, if the other party is open to a discussion, a dialogue can begin and you both will learn something.  If the other party aggressively starts arguing then they are stuck where I was 30 years ago; it is about them being "right" and not about the issue.  Further discussion will get both of you no where. 

Sometimes, this is still hard for me to practice. With my mom I slip into old habits at times, for example.

So how important is it for you to be right?

 

Pax

 

Joe